Friday, December 28, 2001

 
i'm watching this abc special on the making of a record setting domino rally, and the stress of the domino builders is fucking horrible - yet relative to see. other than that, these domino rallies are as good as watching final fantasy fmv scenes, or having sex, presumably.

my life has gotten way more dense since we last talked. my grandma was in a very jovial mood when my family came to visit her, and so that has a little relief for me to own. but other than that....... whoa! i have a deeper understanding of age, breakfast for dinner, and no dinner at all. i have put myself through self-punishment, which is a lesser word to put it in. i cannot believe the black cat that steps into to my mom's outdoor cooking area, and oh! did i tell you? I'VE GOT A GOD CHILD NOW!!! there is so much more to tell, but i have unsurprisingly forgot.

i know i'm a lot less articulate and el 'o' quent, but i still love the monkeys! really! they are one of my favorite animals. to watch, on beast wars. well, i guess he's an ape. but oh well.
posted by Jocagu 9:38 PM

 
last night was a real wierd night. my grandmother called our house nine times from the "home" - a place that isn't necessarily a retirement home as much as it is an old people's physical rehabilitation center. you see, my grandmother got her foot amputated a couple months ago, because of diabetes. now her 8 children have placed her under the ever-constant care of other people, this long-term hospital if you may. she hates it. we can not do very much, because of the devilry that money brings. without money, you can not buy the necessities: food, water, shelter, clothing - so obviously you need moeny to live in this western culture of ours (does that make us people of satan? that's for an expert to decide, and another story to tell O_o). anyway, she doesn't want to be sent to the philippines where she would be under the best circumstances by her daughter, my auntie faith, and he son-in-law, my doctor uncle ric. the predicament is complicated by many other ends, but it would take a long time to go any further than i have, and i'm very lazy.

so i have to get back to my final fantasy 10. it's blitzball time baby!
posted by Jocagu 3:09 PM

Friday, December 21, 2001

 
my parents are naturally eccentric people. most times, they don't even know what they do. most times, neither do i. i guess i've been desensored. it doesn't explain much though.
posted by Jocagu 11:23 PM

 
"i am awfully reminded of the bitterness of life" - the topic of choice that is commonly surveyed in the over-cynical and perhaps misguided teenager. what i find interesting is that i may just as well be one of these lost and ominously encumbered minds, or something lower. low as if to not even have a mind; a right mind. this my dear friends, is self-doubt.

though i think about things more than i should, and a lot of times don't think at all, i am more or less admitting to this capacity. still, this is why i find the futility of caring to be necessary. i know not, but i do love. i think.

i'd rather not speak at all, but then again "i'd rather not" is something one must work for to achieve, and i'm lazy. not to mention weary in the head, and confused to pieces. however, this is not to question the cohesiveness of self, but only to confuse me even more, sad and mistaken, dead yet alive.

i wish i could digress.
posted by Jocagu 3:14 PM

Thursday, December 20, 2001

 
my dad called me over to the kitchen table. upon my arrival, an opened enveloped addressed by the renton school district sat in its foreboding presence. there laid my twelve-week grades, and today was my father's birthday. he pointed to it and said nothing, and i walked away feeling empty from not being yelled and lectured at.
posted by Jocagu 3:40 PM

 
to some people, dreams are shallow escapes from reality of a subconscious mind that spoil life with uncertainty and false experiences. to other people, dreams deep implications of our past, present, and future - and the emotions that we feel are as real as far as the sense of real can be defined. to me, dreams are something else that can't be described to obtain a further human explanation, because i don't believe in one. there is no "TRUE" human explanation, for anything. the only way to understand dreams are to admit their reality, yet know their flawed existence to be a drug of decay - to life itself.

i wish i could live in my dreams. but i can't, because that would mean that my physical existence would have a voidful meaning, and the balance weighing my choice depends on this: how i feel. despite all the pain and sorrow one may touch upon when awake, the senses and feelings that overcome you are "tangible," for the lack of a better word. the dreamworld is a numbing sensation by itself, and when you wake up the time consumed feels like a fractional momment, like part of a second, or something enveloped into a memory.

choosing to exist in the way of the living is a choice that i would reason to be "OK." but i'll continue to live my dreams as i had, hinder them as i may, and sing it's chorus in my waking mind as emotionally appropriate as it deserves. after all, i'm a flawed human, a simpleton of existence, aren't i?
posted by Jocagu 12:34 PM

 
i live by a curfew that my mother has set, more or less. it is to be asked, "how does that define me as a teenager?" and i provide the answer with another question: "how is it that i can ask myself trivially critical questions like these, but can't find the reasoning and motive to brush my teeth or use soap when i shower?"

i need to sleep now, in fact i should have been dead hours ago.
posted by Jocagu 12:01 AM

Wednesday, December 19, 2001

 
i know the idealist's weblog doesn't exist, but let me start this one out with: NO MORE GAY. with that, i begin my first true blog in a while.

so far i'm empty, and contriving a worthwhile recollection is harder than i remember. though i did see the fellowship of the ring today. i liked it enough to say that i will buy it when it comes out on dvd. it was a great movie.

oops, i never gave a definition for NO MORE GAY. it doesn't matter, because in the end i'm a hypocrite.
posted by Jocagu 11:55 PM